fireincarnate | 31 - Video - Backdated to 4th

31 - Video - Backdated to 4th

[It's amazing, what playing with life and death will take out of you.

She's not sure what she did, exactly - just that she fixed something that was broken, and it took near everything she had. And it came on top of everything else - a month of being helpless, the chaos of the collision, the loss of everyone on Mirror Barge, their own people still missing.

(If she thinks about it took hard - about where Anya might be, if she's even alive - she thinks she might break.)

So she's just been resting. Recovering her strength, regaining her equilibrium. Talking to Morgana helped and hurt in equal measure, but it gave her the push she needed.

She knows how to put on a good face - to look calm and assured, even when she's twisted up inside. Her smile is warm and open, lit by the fire dancing round her fingers.]

I know we're all recovering right now. For those who don't know - I'm something of a therapist. If anyone wants to talk, I'm here.

[Current Patients]

How are you doing? Do you need anything?

[Wichita]

[Her smile turns rueful.] I'm sorry it took me this long to check in. Did you come through everything okay?

[Emperor]

[This is the first time she hesitates. She's not sure how she feels, now, about the choices she made on Mirror Barge. About how she's changed and what that means. About what his goal really was, in guiding her.

But ignoring it would be cowardly - and whatever his reasons, he helped her. He made her feel strong, secure, in ways she didn't think possible.]

I wanted to thank you. [Yes, that's true enough.] I know you had a bigger agenda, there, but I - I think I would have been a lot worse, without you there.

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It's your choice.

But I think accepting the truth, and sharing it with people you trust, is a big part of moving forward.

[Jean listens, or reads, without saying anything harsh about her, but while Touko isn't stammering over her words her heart beats hard enough that she may as well be. She doesn't want to hear the simple "it isn't your fault" she heard before, and even if she's much less to blame for this than anything that happened with Needy she still thinks she isn't going to hear the whole truth.]

I'm not outlining every detail, and you don't have to read it yet if you aren't ready. I know how much everyone has gone through this month, so this can wait longer if you aren't ready.

My classmates always thought I was ugly and strange, and I think my mothers did too. There was someone who thought I was cute, though, and he wanted me for himself. I didn't know what to think. I knew it meant he thought I was different from other girls, that I was special to him. But at the same time, I was afraid of what else it meant. Syo started out protecting me from that, so I didn't have to see it. As time went on, she became more and more protective, telling me stories about how much fun it was to get rid of any boy who might get close to me again.

I don't think I need to tell the rest of the story. It won't matter if I go home, since he's almost certainly dead. Most of the people I knew from back home probably are.

[It's not hard to read between the lines.]

I think he targeted you, Touko. Because you were lonely, and vulnerable. And Syo - she's the part of you that wouldn't be touched, or used, or manipulated. She became everything you couldn't be.

But she's just as young as you are. She lashes out because she thinks it's the only way to keep you safe. And she enjoys it, because it makes her feel powerful.

I know what he was really doing to me now. No one had bothered to tell me the truth before him, so I didn't know that that was a way unrequited love could look. I always thought it was like staring across the ocean for someone you knew would never come back, not that you could be right next to them and

[There seems to have been a "send" key hit here, since the next message sent is pure random letters.]

Touko?

We can take a break, if you want. It's okay.

I want to get this over with. So I don't have to think about it anymore.

...Would it be easier if I was there with you?

You're tired.

[yes]

Not too tired to find your room.

Actually, I'm already moving. Too late, can't stop me now.

you don't

[and someone's already there. When she looks at her security feed the bush of red hair tells her it's safe to open the door, and she wilts, opening up with as little effort as she can.]

I said you needed to rest.

[Jean smiles, soft and warm, even as she leans against the doorframe.]

You're more important.

What can you do here that you can't do lying in your bed?

[Now that someone's there with her, a woman who wants to hear stories even more intimate than she ever told Makoto, she doesn't know how to answer her. The narrative demands tears or embraces, but she isn't about to give the one or ask for the other. She isn't about to break down now when none of what she has to say matters anymore.]

[Jean hesitates for a moment. She doesn't want to make Touko more uncomfortable, or push her away, but she knows the way she wants to answer.

So she compromises. She straights, holds out her arms, and opens her mind - just enough to project acceptance and affection.]

[Touko knows the trickle of real emotion dribbling into her head is Jean, but it's the real Jean, not the tingle or numbing she's felt any other time someone else has barged or snuck into her brain. It just is, and it feels good, almost too much so for her. She still doesn't make a move, silently asking to Jean to do it for her, but her question's been answered. It's safe now.]

[The thing about telepathy is that silence is never a barrier, and she's most grateful for that in moments like this. She steps forward, and gently pulls Touko in her arms, and holds her close.]

[She lets Jean wrap her arms around her, but stands stock where she is, tendons tight and her body shaking as she tries to let herself respond in any way other than dumb acceptance. She knows she had a choice, but the next part is a little beyond her. She and Makoto hadn't even gotten to holding hands, even with everything she let him see inside her head.

Everyone has to let go eventually, though, and when the appropriate time comes a few seconds later, Touko still isn't ready. It takes every bit of courage to wrap her arms around Jean's waist, her breath tremulous as she lets it in and out, but she has to keep her there.]

I shouldn't have said anything to you. I should have left it at Syo, so we could handle it.

Edited 2015-02-11 00:14 (UTC)

No. [Soft but firm.] You don't need to handle any of this alone.

And I don't think we can work out Syo unless we figure apart everything that caused her existence.

[Touko keeps clinging to Jean and leans her head into her shoulder to look down at both their feet. She has felt safe a small handful of times in the past two years, enough that she could count them and still have fingers to hold her bird on. She wants to be able to fold down one more finger, but it still doesn't seem right to her that she's here.]

It's too much at once for anyone at all. I don't care if you're the one supposed to be fixing me or putting me first or whatever you want to call it. I don't want to get my hopes up.

[Jean doesn't tighten her embrace, but she doesn't loosen it, either. She wants Touko to know that she won't trap her or push her away.]

It's hard to believe in people when most of them have let you down. [She thinks of Esther, and Helena, and Logan, and - ]

We don't - we can take this one step at a time, Touko. You control how this goes.

I always lied before. If someone saw something was wrong with me. No one knew about Syo, too many people knew who I'd fall in love with. I started convincing anyone who asked me I wanted to be left alone.

I-it didn't take long to get them to stop asking questions. [And that, for Touko, as she buries her forehead deep into Jean's collarbone as if she can hide away, is the real betrayal. If you love someone, you don't leave them alone. You don't accept them pushing you away.]

[She can feel it, that aching disappointment, and she offers silent assurance in return. I will not abandon you.]

They should have tried harder. [Still soft, and not condemning.] But you need to try, too.

I am trying. I just can't predict anyone here. I want to try.

Trying...it involves some risk. [Easy for the telepath to say, maybe, but she remembers what it was like, not having any cues beyond what people said, how they moved. Even now, she makes her share of missteps.] Trial and error.

Edited 2015-02-18 20:48 (UTC)

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31 - Video - Backdated to 4th

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