31 - Video - Backdated to 4th

[fireincarnate]

[It's amazing, what playing with life and death will take out of you.

She's not sure what she did, exactly - just that she fixed something that was broken, and it took near everything she had. And it came on top of everything else - a month of being helpless, the chaos of the collision, the loss of everyone on Mirror Barge, their own people still missing.

(If she thinks about it took hard - about where Anya might be, if she's even alive - she thinks she might break.)

So she's just been resting. Recovering her strength, regaining her equilibrium. Talking to Morgana helped and hurt in equal measure, but it gave her the push she needed.

She knows how to put on a good face - to look calm and assured, even when she's twisted up inside. Her smile is warm and open, lit by the fire dancing round her fingers.]

I know we're all recovering right now. For those who don't know - I'm something of a therapist. If anyone wants to talk, I'm here.

[Current Patients]

How are you doing? Do you need anything?

[Wichita]

[Her smile turns rueful.] I'm sorry it took me this long to check in. Did you come through everything okay?

[Emperor]

[This is the first time she hesitates. She's not sure how she feels, now, about the choices she made on Mirror Barge. About how she's changed and what that means. About what his goal really was, in guiding her.

But ignoring it would be cowardly - and whatever his reasons, he helped her. He made her feel strong, secure, in ways she didn't think possible.]

I wanted to thank you. [Yes, that's true enough.] I know you had a bigger agenda, there, but I - I think I would have been a lot worse, without you there.

Comments

[private]

[routemistress]

[Iris looks exhausted, like she's stacked a death toll on top of not sleeping for a month, and her eyes are red.]

I don't know if it's therapy I need, Jean love, or just more gin, but I do want to 'ave a word soon. I've got some of Bianca's memories, from the last couple of days.

[private]

[fireincarnate]

[Her eyes go wide, and then her expression crumples, a little bit. She did all she could for Bianca, she knows that, but -

Jean takes a breath, and musters a smile.]

Any time.

[private]

[routemistress]

Why don't I just kill the bird with two stones and bring the gin to see you?

I felt 'er die too, but I've died enough times before, Jean love. I bet you anything she's out there somewhere.

[private]

[fireincarnate]

[The smile fades, even as she tries to hang on to it] Maybe.

...I've never had gin before.

[private]

[routemistress]

She's still me, Jean love, and no incarnation of mine lies down and dies easy. Trust me on that one.

Right, I'm bringing a bottle up to the consulting rooms. Mine or yours?

...and mixers, since you're new to it.

[chaotica]

'Something of'?

[fireincarnate]

[Her smile turns a bit sheepish.] That's the official term, yeah.

I've got my undergraduate degree in clinical psychology, but not my doctorate.

[chaotica]

Better than nothing, and the people here can use all they can get. I assume you're more the 'sympathetic ear' type?

[fireincarnate]

That was my thinking. [She won't claim she's as good as an experienced practitioner.] And yes - I'm hear to listen, offer some coping methods.

[An instinctual hesitation, and then - ] The telepathy helps too, if they're okay with that.

[chaotica]

[ He's had plenty of experience with telepaths, and he doesn't bat an eye. ]

Course it does, if you know how to use it.

Take care not to influence or entangle your minds, of course. [ It's more of a question than a warning: she does know how to be safe with it, doesn't she? ]

[private]

[beingdifferent]

I'm perfectly safe.

[Esther's voice is flat as a dull coin. The last time she slept through this event she screamed until her throat had bled. This time she isn't allowing herself to react at all -- to the chance she missed again, likely forever.]

Are you well?

[private]

[fireincarnate]

[Safe doesn't mean good, and the concern is plain on her face, but she only nods, for now.]

I'm - recovered, mostly.

[private]

[beingdifferent]

I'm glad to hear that.

It lasted quite a while, I understand.

[private]

[fireincarnate]

About a month. [A slight grimace.] A month feeling - helpless.

...The other Jean - Psyke - she was here, and - I was hoping it would help her. But it doesn't matter, now. They're all gone. [She's trying so hard to stay calm, stay composed, but something fractures in her voice, in her expression.]

[private]

[heisrisen]

Please don't thank me.

[Flat and bitter and angry.]

private;

[cons]

I'm fine.

That other Barge sucked, but I'm fine.

[private]

[fireincarnate]

[Her smile turns wry, now.] Tell me about it. I've been in worse places, but never that long.

[private]

[cons]

Worse places here, or worse places at home?

[private]

[fireincarnate]

Both, but the worst - was because of the Barge. A port. [She smiles, wry and bleak.] It was a very long time ago, for me, and it was only a few days.

But being caged and tortured isn't really a thing you forget.

[private]

[cons]

What's the point?

What good is a space- prison rehab blahblah if it does more damage to people than good? You can't really believe any of this is worth it.

lazarus ate what i had for you // private

[persecutioncomplex]

[She's been dodging most of the Barge for a month, working to erase every spot of decay in hopes that it would give her her people back, not the imitations some demiurge created, and she doesn't know if she's completely succeeded, not when uninhabited cabins still linger. But Jean is here, the real one, and she essays back a tired smile of relief.]

I don't know if I can talk about it yet. Should I?

dammit lazarus // private

[fireincarnate]

[Jean smiles back, worn but warm.] That's up to you. I'm happy to listen whenever you're ready.

this time there is no excuse but my brain // private

[persecutioncomplex]

I'll get it over with. Do you want to see me, or can I write it out?

brains suck i want a new one // private

[fireincarnate]

Whichever you're more comfortable with.

private

[persecutioncomplex]

I'm so tired it's better I write everything down. And you don't have to see me and answer me. Not until you're not tired. [Or ever.]

[a few hours later]

[She's been putting off coming back to Jean, not knowing if she should admit what she's about to, but someone has to hear it so they can tell her she's wrong.]

I think I'm supposed to be here, and I don't want to believe that. I had a long explanation, but this is the simple version that you'll actually want to read instead of skim.